Why do children need disappointments and how to help them deal with them

When you read posts in communities devoted to raising children, it seems that the main goal of parents is to prevent the child from being upset. It seems to us that a negative experience will break the fate of the child. But is it? And what do we deprive children when we do not let them feel disappointment? We talked about this with a psychologist, somatic therapist Rufina Kashapova.

Each parent knows how unbearable to hear children's crying. The desire to “stop this is more understandable” is quite understandable and natural: human cubs are defenseless, without the help of an adult they cannot survive, our entire evolutionary experience speaks of this.

A matter of age

“While the child is small, any experience is total for him. Joy, sadness, pain - he feels them with all nature. He does not know what it is to "endure", "wait". There is no experience in the child’s memory that would tell him that what is happening sooner or later will end, ”explains Rufina Kashapova. - So it is arranged by nature: the parent must run and save the child, but he should not endure. But sooner or later the child comes out of infancy. He accumulates experience, learns to wait, to cope with discomfort. And this skill can be very useful to him in the future ".

Why learn patience?

The ability to cope with disappointment has nothing to do with the habit of constantly tolerate inconvenience. When we deliberately ignore our own needs and desires, this reduces the quality of our life. But if in a difficult situation we can get together and tolerate without prejudice to the psyche, such an experience makes us more adapted, gives us flexibility, retains our forces.

“We planned to work or rest this spring, but instead we sat at home, and it is still not clear what we will do in the summer,” Rufina Kashapova recalls. - But we cope with disappointment, because we understand the meaning of what is happening. We admit that life has changed, it is not the same as we planned - and we begin to organize it again.

We react with action: put the house in order, invent classes for ourselves. And the one who does not understand, falls into hysteria or stupor, is looking for guilty. And this is characteristic of just for those who have not learned to experience disappointment. ".

An adult capable of accepting what cannot be changed, accepts problems, finds permission faster and more accurately than one who does not have such skills. Such adults have an experience of children's disappointments and overcoming their experience.

“Once in a difficult life situation, we begin to rebuild on the go, act. The child does the same if we do not slip ready -made solutions to him, ”the expert says. - If we do not give them a chance to deal with what is happening ourselves, children do not learn healthy behavior in a state of confusion. They will wait for someone to come and tell them what to do ".

Of course, we are not talking about neglect or conscious ignoring the needs of the child.

“It happens that the child is experiencing disappointment, and adults say:“ And what is it you are upset? Everything is fine, nothing serious in general ". The child translates to his children: “What I feel, it doesn’t matter”, and ceases to rely on his perception, ”Rufina Kashapova recalls.

Growth point

Age crises is a time when the child seems to be disappointed all the time: in us, in the world around. This is a bright crisis of three years, when the kids are upset for any reason: “I do not want, I will not! Give!»The world of the child is changing, his capabilities, skills are changing. And these changes make him worry hard. Parents also have a hard time!

There are two simple rules that will help to survive this and similar disappointments for periods. Firstly, dads and mothers should take care of yourself: remember that everything will pass, give yourself rest, do not strive for an unattainable ideal. Secondly, no matter what, even if it is very difficult, you need to stay in contact with children.

“We can say to the child:“ Yes, dear, the world is a difficult thing. You want a lot, but not everything works out ". Depending on how the child passes through these experiences, he will gain certain skills in order to navigate in life. Let the little people have the opportunity to be upset, get angry, quarrel, experience. At the other pole of feelings, satisfaction, inspiration, joy, pleasure await them, ”the psychologist claims.

What should an adult do at such a difficult moment? It is not worth distracting the child from experiences: doing this, we care about our own comfort. It hurts us to face strong feelings of the child. But they are part of life, and to learn how to hear and distinguish them is a skill that will come in handy.

“Adults can ask the child:“ What are you feeling now?" - explains Rufina Kashapova. - If he still does not know how to speak, you can ask a question more specifically: “You are confused?"He does not know this word yet, but in your tone he will understand what you mean, nods. As soon as we internally determine what is happening to us, the way out is. Man is so arranged. Parents can help a child with this search. The main thing is not to do all the "work" for him.

Are I a good parent enough?

Which encourages parents to protect the child from confusion and sadness? Why are some of us in a hurry to satisfy all the desires of the child, even those who do not benefit him? Perhaps the fear of not good parents says in us.

“Parents are afraid not to match their own expectations,” explains Rufina Kashapova. - If the child is disappointed in mom or dad, this drop falls into the bowl of their disappointment with himself. But at this moment we endow the child with enormous power: now he controls our satisfaction! Walking so, we grow a manipulator from it ".

Almost all mothers and dads sometimes make “unpopular” decisions among children. They do not allow cartoons to watch for three consecutive hours or forbidden to walk on a weekend if the child brought several doubles from the school in the week. Sometimes we cancel our own decisions. But will it benefit children?

“The child has the right to shut off. And we have the right to tell him “no”, even if he is scandalous, ”says Rufina Kashapova,“ our firmness is necessary for the child himself: you can rely only on something strong. If the parent now said “no”, and a minute later said “yes” - you can’t rely on him. Inconsistent dad or mom are


unreliable. So, a child can only rely on himself ... And I assume that this leads to a strong disappointment. ".

Will the parents who adhere to such a policy, the child's love will lose? After all, this is what we are all afraid of ..

“If the parent is consistent, the children are not disappointed in it,” the expert explains. -They are upset because of a specific situation: "I wanted, but I did not succeed". At the same time, the parental figure remains strong, reliable. With such a parent, the child will be able to survive any disorder, any crisis, and will become an adult who at all costs will find a way out even in the most difficult situation ”.

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